Some things you do, that may not mean I love you.

Is your husband the “Acts of Service” type of lover? Have you ever bought him a gift, only to find it dumped somewhere around the house as though it has no owner? 
You are not alone!

Time after time I’ve seen gifts abandoned around the house. I’m not talking about a random gift that I just impulsively got from a store. This is something that, I would have spent a lot of time thinking about the top ten or top five tokens for him, then started a process of elimination until I’ve decided on the perfect gift.

So why doesn’t he appreciate my gifts? What is it that I’m doing wrong?

According to Gary Chapman there are five love languages: physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts, words of affirmation and quality time. Each language determines how someone uniquely interprets and receives love. My gifts were well thought out and my intentions were noble, but I was communicating with the wrong love language.

There are right ways and wrong ways to express your love if your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service. To love him you have to understand how a person who speaks his love language interprets and receives love. If you are doing the wrong things, he will feel he’s with someone who doesn’t love him. Even worst, you may start to feel that he doesn’t appreciate your gestures of love.

Loving a person whose primary love language is acts of service may be very difficult. This is because according to Michael Benninger’s article entitled, Know Your Love Language: Learn to Speak “Acts of Service” most persons have a common misconception when it comes to understanding acts of service as a love language.

Acts of service doesn’t mean that you are going to assume the role of a servant in the relationship. As a spouse you will have to communicate with your partner to ensure you are on the same page as it relates to meeting his needs and showing him love. Find out what he wants along with when and how he prefers to get it.

I have spent years loving my spouse the wrong way. A number of ruined surprises and abandoned gifts are evidence of my miserable failure. Let’s jump into the common mistakes that I have made and how I have wronged my spouse in the name of love.

Showering Him with gifts

I feel that special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays may get an extra sparkle when gifts are involved. But this is not what my husband is expecting. Simple acts of service that may only take me five minutes to complete are more likely to be remembered and appreciated than a well thought out gift in a fancy package. He loves to cook and do the laundry but that’s about it. My way of showing love is not to spend money on the most exciting cooking gadgets there are but to undo the hurricane of a mess he created in the kitchen.

Planning activities to spend time together

Isn’t it so awesome for you and your special someone to spend your weekend together on a romantic getaway? Lounging together at the pool, enjoying breakfast in bed and strolling on the beach are but a few of the things on the itinerary for your romantic weekend. You are in for a great disappointment as you may find room service getting all the appreciation and compliments while you are there craving for his attention

Where did you go wrong? It could be that your idea of a romantic weekend may be robbing him of the time he could have used to work on unfinished tasks. His idea of love is not to spend all his free time with you (or an entire weekend for that matter). He may go through the entire weekend doing activities with others while being content that you have both spent the weekend together as a couple. How crazy is that? All he wants is for you to spend your time assisting him with something he may have a challenge completing, like that long list of things waiting for him when you both return home.

Wooing with words

Do you spend a lot of time sweet talking him as a way to motivate or encourage him? Cheering him on and being as poetically romantic as you can imagine may not give the results that you anticipate. This may work in the bedroom department but outside of sexual relations sweet-talk may have little or no effect on him. He already has the intrinsic motivation that he needs to keep him going. He’s not lacking in impetus. What he definitely needs from you is a little time and or effort to get some of the things on his to do list done.

Tender Touch

Not all massages have “happy endings”. Like me you would have learnt this and similar lesson over and over and over again. Going all out to set the mood and create the perfect ambiance for a session of physical bliss may backfire. You spent all afternoon imagining how your planned evening of bliss will play out, from his entrance to the house to his embrace in your arms. Then he gets home and you find out he’s too preoccupied with his: to do list, chores or that special project he’s been working on. This is when (if you’re anything like me) you start to get flaring mad or hopelessly doubtful that he’s incapable of love.

He’s not incapable of love and he sure likes a “happy ending” too. Try changing his mindset from preoccupied about that special project to session of physical bliss by lending a helping hand on that special project. The sooner you start being a team player and help him get things done the sooner he’ll turn his attention to you.

Do you want to make sure you aren’t showing him love the wrong way?

Instead of focusing on gifts wrapped in fancy packages, gift him some of your time and help with a task he’s doing. Don’t try to overdo things in an effort to spend quality time with him. Instead show him you value his time by helping him with something he hasn’t gotten the chance to do. Forget the ‘sweet-talk’; show your love by granting him a favor. Being physical has its place, but Mr. Acts of Service would prefer if you tenderly touch his heart by showing your dedication and being a team player. 

I have been showing love the wrong way for many years and probably unintentionally will continue to do so. According to my love language test results, acts of service is my lowest ranking love language. This means that my husband is my polar opposite, hence it takes a lot of effort to express love to him. It’s hard work but I’ll have until death do us part to get it right.

If you are still in doubt and want to learn more practical ways to show love to Mr. Acts of Service see what Kris Gage has to say. In the article on Acts of Service Gage gives real life examples for what to do and what not to do in order to express your love in a meaningful way.