The silent treatment- how it affects love and happiness and 4 ways to break the silence.

Have you ever found yourself giving your significant other the silent treatment?

Many persons who find themselves in one type of relationship or another have received or given the silent treatment.

What is the silent treatment?

According to dictionary.com the silent treatment is “maintaining silence or aloofness toward another person, especially as a means of indicating disapproval or rejection’.

Why do people use the silent treatment?

The silent treatment may be used because someone is simply at a loss for words. At other times it’s used as a tool of manipulation and a source of power.

According to Ann Pietrangelo the silent treatment may be used because someone:

✓don’t know what to say

✓is feeling overwhelmed

✓don’t want to say the wrong thing

✓want to exert power over another person or abuse another person

The silent treatment may be your way of saying you are dissatisfied with something your spouse did. But while you are giving the silent treatment you are also saying a lot of other things too.

Silently you are saying:

✓Communication is not important

✓I will not do anything for you

✓I will not give you anything

✓I will not let you touch me

✓I will not spend any time with you

1. Communication is not important

Lack of communication. When you close the door of communication with the silent treatment you are opening another door for your spouse to feel unhappy and unloved.

According to Gary Chapman, author of, The 5 Love Languages 7-Day Devotional For Her, some partners are babbling brooks while some are dead seas.

A babbling brook loves to speak and appreciates a partner who is good at listening. A dead sea enjoys the company of a babbling brook because he or she doesn’t have to worry about topics to talk about as listening is his or her strength.

A babbling brook loves to speak and a dead sea loves to listen. Whichever your partner is, he or she is surely going to feel the effects of the silent treatment. He or she will be robbed of a set of listening ears or may become devastated when a babbling brook spouse becomes dead silent.

To make matters worse, if your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation the silent treatment may only bring feelings of unhappiness. This person likes to be encouraged, affirmed and receive positive reinforcement hence; the silent treatment will be interpreted as you don’t love me.

2. I will not do anything for you

Lack of support. Some people live for the little things their spouse does for them. A person whose love language is acts of service feels happy and loved knowing, the right tie will be picked out or that if they forgot to pack something it will still be in their bag when they get to work.

If this person is on the receiving end of the silent treatment he or she may feel out of sync. It’s as though he or she is playing tennis with no one on the other side of the court to hit the ball to.

3. I will not give you my attention or anything else

Lack of attention. A person whose love language is receiving gifts interprets and expresses love by giving and receiving gifts. These gifts may not necessarily be expensive tokens wrapped in extravagant packages. They may be very simple gestures that say I love you in their own unique way.

To a person whose love language is receiving gifts the silent treatment in and of itself is saying, I will not give you anything. This can be very devastating especially during a special occasion like a birthday, anniversary or Christmas.

These occasions are usually celebrated with gifts. How cruel would it be to endure two weeks of silent treatment while at the same time not being able to celebrate a special occasion with the usual giving of gifts?

4. I will not let you touch me

Lack of intimacy. When you got married you and your spouse both made a vow to have and to hold each other. When the silent treatment is given and you refuse to: touch, be touched or acknowledge being touched your spouse is denied a vow you made at the start of your marriage.

You entered into marriage to feel loved, to be happy and to know you have someone who you can embrace while feeling embraced. The silent treatment takes all of this away.

To make matters worse if your spouse’s love language is physical touch the silent treatment might be interpreted as a lack of love in the relationship. A person whose love language is physical touch enjoys being physically close with his or her spouse. For this person the silent treatment shuts the door for romance, intimacy or something as simple as cuddling on the couch.

5. I will not spend any time with you

Lack of togetherness. The silent treatment may rob you of spending time with your spouse. Being a couple means that you plan together, work towards goals together and spend intimate time together. If you are subjected to long periods of the silent treatment you may begin to experience some of the effects it has on people.

According to Ann Pietrangelo, the silent treatment may lead to loneliness. If your love language is quality time the silent treatment will affect you.

If you are the one being silent or if you are receiving the silent treatment you may experience loneliness. This is because being around your spouse is not enough to make you feel happy and loved. You want to know that while you are together you are enjoying quality time with each other.

Alternatives to the silent treatment

Seek professional help. The silent treatment in some cases is not a short instance of silence but is characterized by lengthy periods lasting for weeks at a time. If you realize that the silent treatment is used in your marriage as a tool for: power, manipulation or even abuse then you and your spouse need to seek professional help to remedy the situation.

If the silent treatment is used because you are temporarily at a loss for words or wish not to say the wrong thing and hurt your spouse then the suggestions below may be considered.

Four ways to break the silence

I am by no means a marriage counselor but I like to share points on how to make marriage a joyful experience. I came up with four S’s to keep the doors of communication open during the silent treatment while you and your spouse work on the solution(s) for the issues.

Using signs, songs, smiles and finger snaps are four ways to break the silence while you think about how and what you are going to say.

How to use the four S’s

Use some signs. You don’t need to go and learn sign language to make this suggestion work. Preferably sign language is a bad idea if you are going to express thoughts that you or your spouse will regret.

These signs are not for full conversations or dialogue. They are just a way to say to your spouse that, “I’m still open to communication with you”.

Gentle and graceful hand gestures, eye movements or nodding may be enough until tempers cool down or you find the right words.

If you are asked a question that you really can’t find the words to respond to, just use your index finger and point to your head to indicate that you are thinking about the answer.

Use some songs. Playing that song you both like to listen to together might be able to reduce some tension and create a better mood. Or if there’s a song that captures what you want to say you may play snippets of it.

If it’s a song with strong emotions, a lot of rage or music and beats that will make the situation more intense, opt for the first few seconds if they are not on the negative side or don’t use it at all.

The aim is to keep communication open not to intensify a conflict. I’ll suggest pausing the video of the song and showing the screen to your spouse or showing a picture of the title/album or a headline about the particular song.

Another way to use songs to break the silence is to sing hymns and motivational songs that you like. This will help you to relax if you are feeling too overwhelmed to speak. When you get relaxed, break the silence and work on the issue as a couple.

Use some smiles. Smiling without expressing sarcasm might be a simple way to say, “I can’t speak right now, but I’m not shutting you out”.

A smile will make your facial muscles more relaxed and it will dispel aloofness. Eventually you will be relaxed enough to talk to each other without tension.

Use some snaps. No pun intended, these are finger snaps. Not to be done in quick succession but gently and paced with a few seconds apart. You could code one snap for yes, two snaps for no and three snaps for I’m not sure.

Whether you use signs, songs, smiles or finger snaps independently, in a combo or all at once the aim is to keep the door of communication open.

Open communication is important for your spouse to feel happy and loved. Happiness and love are two important ingredients for a healthy marriage.

Ann Pietrangelo stated that loneliness, low self esteem and despair are three effects of the silent treatment. It may also contribute to illnesses such as: depression, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome

The next time the silent treatment comes up, try the four ways to break the silence. Keep your marriage healthy with love and happiness. Prevent the negative effects the silent treatment has on you, your spouse and your marriage.